Things I Would Like to Do Today

Take a spoon, cut out the part of my heart that hurts, and throw it away in the trash.

This is the first relationship that ever ended where I feel that ending it is a really, really bad idea. But it takes two people to manage a relationship. Both people have to be willing to fight for it, and grow up together. I can’t do it by myself. He’s got to meet me halfway, but he’s afraid; afraid of me, of himself, of failure, of what it means if we’re together. And when you’re really terrified, there’s a lot you’ll sacrifice to fear, and all sorts of ways you’ll justify it.

There are a lot of people whose lives are ruled by fear. I know how hard it is to overcome that fear, that lack of faith in one’s self, in other people; fear of failure, fear of life, fear of self and self-doubt, fear of change, fear of what other people think of you and your choices, fear of making big decisions, fear of making mistakes. I used to be that person. I fought a long, hard road to be somebody different. I didn’t like who I was. I didn’t like having a life controlled by my fears.

I’m going to take some time off again from dating, I think. I have a lot of grown-up things I need to accomplish (career(s), house savings, fitness). It’s the cutting away that’s the hardest. I made the Boyfriend a big part of my life. Now I have to take him out of it again and rebuild it.

Spoon to the heart.

Fall down seven times. Get up eight.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 30th, 2007 at 11:53 am and is filed under life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.