Is not a romance movie. It’s not a movie about people falling in love. It’s not, in fact, about real people.

Cardboard Heroine: There’s danger here! I’m so confused! Do I want to run away with my rebel-leader husband, or the drunk non-communitive ex-lover of mine who’s treated me like shit from the moment I walked in the door?

Drunk Bar Owner: Obviously, I’m in love with this woman. She’s so hot. Obviously. Love=hotness. Yes, I realize there are other Hot Women around who pine after me, but this one puts up with me treating her like shit, and that’s pretty tough to find.

I mean, c’mon, what the hell do these two people find attractive about each other? Does she juggle? Does he read Kant? What, exactly, do these two people talk about when he’s not going, “You bitch!” and she’s not going, “I’m so confused! Think for me!”

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s got great dialogue, the dueling national anthems are great, I love the war theme. But is this what love is? Is this all we get as a template?

Sweet fuck, no wonder more than half the people who get married get divorced. I would too, when I found out my partner wasn’t “a feeling in Paris” and really was a drunk, non-communitive bar owner.

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