More Thoughts on Dating

Ah. The “He’s Just Not Into You” craze.

Once again, Amanda’s already been on this, and here’s the Salon article that takes the “He’s just not that into you” book to task, but I wanted to throw in my 2 cents about the dating bullshit.

Now, I’ve already discussed why I haven’t dated since Alaska – and continue to choose not to – but I want to explore this one again, because, really, here this book goes again arguing against female agency, like every time we go out with a guy, we *really* want him to call back.

Not so. Not so at all.

But then, when asked, one of the co-authors of HJNTIY did say that if they’d written a book geared toward convincing pouty-mouthed men “She’s just not that into you,” they would have sold about 8 copies.

Why are women buying this book? Why did people know women would buy this book?

I’ve been the one to finally answer the third frantic e-mail from a guy I’d been on two dates with, and felt obligated to tell him, gently, that I just really wasn’t all that into him, and could you just stop e-mailing me? I managed another two dates with a guy who was horribly, horribly boring, and at the end of the second date, we both said, “Yea, I’ll call/e-mail you,” and neither of us did (and oh, let me tell you, the relief when he didn’t call/e-mail was truly great). Then I survived another 3 or 4 dates (one of which was a 3-day, chaste roadtrip in which when didn’t touch each other like, once – needless to say, this was the last date) with yet another boring, sexually uninteresting guy (though, as said, I got a cool roadtrip to Skagway out of it). At the end of the third “date” we both said, “See you around,” and offered only polite “hellos” when we ran into each other in the dorm hall. And finally, I had a brief affair with a guy I was very obviously pursuing as a college boyfriend, who turned me down because… well, he had a girlfriend, and she was the marrying sort. And I’m not. I didn’t really angst about it too much. I sure as hell wasn’t going to marry him.

See. I have this belief that women aren’t stupid. Ha ha.

Cause you know, I’ve also been on “friendly” “dates” (or pseudo-talk lunch/dinner “dates” that I really, really, wanted to be “dates”) with guys who were obviously not sexually interested in me in any way and just wanted me around as the token “smart girl friend” (read: token fat girl, token brunette, etc. Basically, not socially fem enough to show off to your friends, but great to talk to about smart person things) I know exactly who these guys are. Jockish, too-pretty, vain, usually major sports fans. I’m not the sort of woman they can introduce to their friends. I won’t wear makeup or dress fem, and I’ll talk about foreign policy and women’s rights instead of smiling, faking interest in baseball, and looking for other SOs to talk to about dieting.

It just wouldn’t go over well.

I remember going out with an old friend from gradeschool who I’d run into at the local movie theatre. I’d been hot on this guy since I was 10 years old. He was even more attractive now that we were college-age: 6’1, blond, blue-eyed, played sports, the whole jock-ish shebang, only now with more brains (yay!), as he switched majors from computer engineering to English, and when I met him, I found that he was now wearing glasses, too (oohhhh so sexy).

And you know, I’m not a stupid woman.

It was blaringly obvious that he was just catching up with an old “friend.” I knew this. This didn’t stop lots of daydreaming, but I curbed my urge to call him after the second lunch “date” because I knew that if he wanted to spend more time with me, he would. And I knew he didn’t. I’m not delusional.

There’s another guy I’m twitter-pated about who would, yes, probably date me if I was about 50lbs thinner and didn’t have a graduate degree. Am I lustful? Of course. Do I really expect to ever date this guy? No. And if he really wanted to date me, would I really want to date him? No. Cause why the fuck would I want to date somebody who was nice to me for a month and then started telling me what to eat and how to dress?

I don’t think women are stupid. I think you can tell if you’re in a mutually-crazy relationship. I think it’s usually pretty obvious; and I think it’s even more obvious if you’re *not* crazy-wild about somebody, or they’re *not* crazy-wild about you.

So, that’s one guy I wasn’t really into, two mutual “gosh, we’re really not into each other”s, two “I’m nuts about this guy and it’s obvious he could give a crap about me”s and one “you’re not the marrying type” polite turn-down. And this doesn’t count all the guys I’ve turned down for first dates outright because I found them boring or passionless.

Hardly does this a hysterical-woman-standing-by-the-phone make.

I was in the locker room at my MA school and overheard a couple of the Amazons engaging in this conversation:

Boxing Woman: Yea, I think I’m going to be taking that job in South Carolina. It’s a great opportunity, and they’re paying me a shitload of money.

Jujitsu Woman: What about that guy you’re dating, what’s his name?

Boxing Woman: Oh, I broke up with him.

Jujitsu Woman: What? But I thought things were going OK.

Boxing Woman: He just said something really stupid, and I thought, if he’s going to say something that stupid at this point in the relationship, it’s just not worth it.

Jujitsu Woman: It must have been really stupid.

Boxing Woman (sounding bored): Yea. It was really stupid. And he kept calling me all weekend and leaving messages. Called at 7, called at 10, called at 2, called me again Sunday…

Jujitsu Woman: (laughter)

Have I mentioned how much I love my MA school?

Please don’t feed on this bullshit. There are lots of women who don’t hang around by the phone. Women get job promotions, take boxing classes, and move to South Carolina and etc. None of which involve an SO. I promise. And if you find an SO who’s compatible with these things, you’ll probably know it. Have some faith in yourself.

Please stop buying these books. It makes us all look frickin’ hysterical.

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