I just forced myself awake from a dead sleep. I had a nightmare that Jenn (my roomie) told me that she was moving in with her her SO when our lease ran out in May. I was flabbergasted, because I’d told her months before that as soon as they started talking about it, I would need to know, because I had no money in savings and wouldn’t be able to make it on my own unless I had enough of a heads’ up to plan. The deep sense of betrayal was extreme.

I then told her yea, that was fine, and I wanted nothing but her happiness, but I had no money, and it meant I’d be living out of a hotel.

She smiled broadly and hopped up and down and said,”OK” and beamed at her SO.

I then proceeded to have a hysterical breakdown. I just couldn’t believe somebody I’d counted on was totally ditching me, alone, without any money, when I’d trusted her. I couldn’t believe that after everything else, I was being ditched on the side of the road for an SO, never to be seen again. I felt totally betrayed, and she just beamed and beamed and beamed…

It’s funny, because the abandonment-from-someone-you-trust and having no means to take care of yourself (money) are fears I know very, very well. I’ve been ditched with no money before. I don’t think I just realized how deep my fear of being ditched with no money was until now.

It’s a nightmare-worthy experience.

Moral of the story: I need to put some goddamn money in savings.

Reason I can now go to sleep now, after sitting awake full of terror for half an hour?

I realize I have well over a grand in 401(K) and stock money. I thought through how much money I could stockpile in two months, now that I’ve got my raise. Could come in early some mornings, beef up the paychecks. I put together a two-month exit strategy. I felt better.

I’ll be fine.

Goddamn. The fears that keep you up at night.

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