Prepping for the Next Debate

Yes, chiklits, there’s another debate tonight. Should be sunny!

For those who missed the Daily Show’s wrap-up of the last debate, go be entertained here.

And now… here’s your viewing guide for tonight, stolen shamelessly from World O’ Crap:


Vice President Cheney

5 feet 10 inches

North Carolina Sen. John Edwards

Height 6 feet


CHENEY: Projects gravitas (i.e., oldness). Has held lots of government jobs. Commands an operational Death Star. Pact with Satan gave him unknown powers, plus a nice portfolio of Halliburton stock.

EDWARDS: Good looks, dazzling smile, great hair. Came from blue-collar background – uses it to show he identifes with problems of working people. Skilled orator. As a trial lawyer, knows Jedi mind tricks.


CHENEY: Speaks in monotone. Looks like your grumpy jr. high principal. Responsible for quagmire in Iraq. Couldn’t care less about jobs, insurance, old people, or what will happen to orphans after he forecloses on mortgage.

EDWARDS: Still serving first term in Senate – has never started a war, or been a wartime VP. Never killed a man just to watch him die -seems too nice to go for opponent’s jugular. Not a member of the Trilateral Commission.

Track Record

CHENEY: In 2000 debate, some said he seemed less dour than Joe Lieberman. Had Democratic opponents in House races in Wyoming whacked; claims victory in those debates too.

EDWARDS: Seemed sunny, nice, likable during Democratic primary debates – all the pundits said so. Not used to debating while seated.

Task this Time

CHENEY: Push message that John Kerry is a francophile poofster whom the terrorists want to win so they can attack U.S. again and kill your children. Claim that Edwards lacks the experience and ruthlessness to kill Kerry and assume the presidency, if required.

EDWARDS: Goad Cheney into snarling “go f– yourself”, or “I’ll get you yet my pretty; you and your war hero too!” Get him to make funny and/or scary faces for the camera. Make fun of his baldness in hopes he has heart incident. Bring up WMDs frequently, and aks him if HE knows that we were attacked by al Qaeda, not Saddam. Smile a lot.

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