The Guardian has some questions up that are often posed to non-white, non-Christian and/or non-straight interviewees: now it’s time to turn the tables –

Do you think of yourself as white or American or both?

Ummm…

Does it worry you that you got your job just because of your race?

Yes.

Where are you from?

The west coast.

No, but really?

Cow country.

Since this is where you live, don’t you think you should try and integrate with other races more?

Yes.

Is your first loyalty to your God, or to your country?

Do I only get two choices?

Is it true what they say about white guys?

I don’t know: I’m often the one saying it.

Given the genocide, slavery and colonialism unleashed in the name of Christianity over the last two centuries, do you feel your religion is compatible with democracy?

No.

I don’t mind white people, but if they want to live here then why shouldn’t they have to fit in with our traditions?

You mean non-white people have traditions?

Shouldn’t the police be doing more to tackle white-on-white crime?

I’m stealing Nick’s answer: The police is white-on-white crime! Also white-on-black crime.

Given the objectification of women in your culture and the rise in teenage pregnancies, don’t you think it’s time to ban young girls wearing make up?

No, but I think it’s high time we got rid of abstinence-only education.

What do you make of the tribal conflict in Ukraine?

Yay!

Don’t you feel that this politically correct belief that we have to respect white people’s feelings has stifled honest discussion and debate?

Yes.

Isn’t it a shame that white people cannot pick more responsible leaders?

Oh, hell yes.

Don’t you ever worry about being pigeonholed as a white person?

Oh, sure.

Why aren’t you doing more to check the rise in Christian fundamentalism?

That’s a really, really good question.

Who are your community leaders?

There’s a community?

Why should we balance our belief in human rights with our tolerance for Christians?

Christians are people too.

What do white people think about Jews?

Non-white Jews?

How would you define “white” style?

Boring?

Why do you write about white people all the time?

Ha. Gotcha. 2/3rds of all the people I write about are non-white. Ha.

Don’t you find that limiting?

No.

What are you doing for your people?

I have people? Like an army, or something?

Have you seen what the Bible says about women?

Yes. Have you noticed I’m not religious?

Don’t take this personally, but why are white men so aggressive?

It’s a penis thing.

Now the Olympics are over, can we finally admit that white people are genetically equipped to excel in archery and rowing?

ARRRRRGGHHHGHGGHGGGgggg

What is it with white people and homophobia?

You tell me.

You know what white women are like, don’t you?

Gosh, I hope so. They’re kinda like people, I think. With blood and guts and everything.

I understand that as a white person you come at this from a particular place, but can’t you try to look at it objectively for a moment?

Is this code for “you should read the Bible more”?

When did you first realize you were straight?

??????

Why do you people have such a chip on your shoulder?

Feminists, or white people? The first because we’re pissed off, the second because nobody ever tries to make us think we don’t rule the world, and they don’t ask us questions like this.

Don’t get offended, I was only asking.

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