Weight Hysteria

The regional VP stopped me in the conference room today and said, “Are we losing you? You’ve lost a lot of weight. Are you OK? You don’t want to do anything dangerous.”

It still bothers me when people do this.

“I’m just lifting weights in the morning,” I said. “I don’t really feel like I’m doing much.”

“It’s so strange how people losing weight just changes the, you know.” He made a motion around his face, “You know, the whole way people look in their face and..” he gestured to my body, “Their body. It’s just so strange.”

“Uh, yea,” I said, and I thought, Is this as close as he feels he can get to saying I look a lot hotter? Better be, cause if he goes there, I’m gonna snarl.

I’m startled a lot at the reactions to my weight loss, mainly because I don’t really feel like I’m trying. I spent all day Sunday on the couch in my pajamas eating cookies and chips with that cheese salsa dip, reading and watching the snow. Five days a week, I do a 15-20 min morning weight routine. I walk a lot. But I haven’t been to the gym in at least six weeks because of weather and personal issues. And I just went to Old Navy this weekend and bought size 12 pants because the 14s are falling off.

What a lot of people at work don’t get, I guess, is that when I got to Chicago I was at an abnormally high weight for me. A 12/14 is where my body naturally sits. If I cascade below a 12, I’ll get pretty scared, but for now, I’m really comfortable with where I’m at.

The problem with that comfort, however, is that I’m less likely to go to the gym because I’m not constantly thinking about weight. This is bad because being “thinner” doesn’t neccessarily equal “being fitter.” Weights or no, I’d like to go back to getting in a little jogging or bike riding everyday. If nothing else, it’ll make our three flights of stairs easier. And you know, I still want to be really fucking buff, and no matter my pants size, that ain’t going to happen if I spend all my time eating cookies on the couch. Though a day a week of that is probably good for me…

Anyway, I’m going to go and eat something. Every time somebody comments on how much weight I’ve lost, I get hungry.

I do feel that I have this psychological thing about weight: I feel more vulnerable without that extra layer of fat. I feel like more people are looking at me. There’s this weird conflation with gaining weight and avoiding male attention, to my mind. Which is why I think that the only way for me to permanently stay at my natural size is if I feel strong enough to defend myself. When the VP eyed me over, I totally tensed up. I hate feeling like I’m on display.

I gotta get back into boxing. The urge to do so gets stronger with every size I drop.

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