And this was the moment when I realized it, musing through the LSAT center, law school websites, looking at requirements, cut-off dates:
The LSAT test day is over four hours long. Keep your pencil moving to help yourself stay focused. If there is anything the LSAT measures, it is raw determination and endurance.
And I thought… You know, I could do this. Hell, I mean, what else am I doing? I mean, besides the boxing, the work travel, the book writing… er, I mean, really, what else am I doing?
Spend 6 months studying for the LSATs? Take it once in June and again in October, if I totally crap it. It’s not like it’ll be the end of the world if I suck. Then I’ll at least know, and I can do something else. Falling flat on my face doesn’t bother me.
Took the morning to come up with a list of law schools in the northeast and a couple in Seattle. And the whole world just narrowed, and everything just lined up and came into focus.
This is why I took two years off from school. To find that moment.
I mean, I don’t expect to get into Columbia or anything, but why the fuck not apply to 12 or 15 schools: if they all tell me to go to hell, so what? I have a bunch of other shit I’ve been wanting to do. No sweat off my back (prepare for: “and they all told me to go to hell – anybody want to go to Peru?” – I’m a realist).
I can rock out the personal essay and why I want to do it, the “South Africa” thing always peaks people’s interest, and being another 40K in debt doesn’t bother me. It’s just money. You can’t take it with you.
Fuck it. I’ve been chewing on it too long. I took a year and a half off to figure out what I wanted. It finally clicked. I can quit at any point in the process, and it gives me something to work toward. My brain is dying. I’ve been going crazy being out of school for so long. I need a challenge. This feels right. If I bomb the LSATs, at least I’ll have given myself the challenge of studying for the LSATs.
It occurs to me that last night I had a conversation with Jenn that went something like this:
Me: “You know, I’ve been running really fast for the last seven years. I want some down time. I need to take some time to appreciate what I’ve got.”
Jenn: “That makes sense. That sounds like a really good idea.”
Me: “You realize that that’s just my stance on it now, for this moment?”
Jenn: “Yea. We’re the sorts of people who pile a lot on our plates.”
That attitude lasted exactly one night.
I’m fucking hilarious.