“And the LORD spake unto Noah, saying ‘Verily, this is the last fucking time I shop at Ikea; I have no idea which way round this bit goes. Cover thine eyes, lest thou be blinded; I shall use My powers to build thy ark from moonbeams.’ And Noah said ‘Lord, is that not cheating?’ And the LORD said ‘Unless My Adversary has given thee gills while My attention was elsewhere, thou shalt be fishfood soon without My aid; now either shut the fuck up and cover thine eyes, or I shall leave thee here amidst the unassembled debris and drown the whole bloody lot of you.’ And Noah grew afraid, and fell to his knees and begged forgivenness; and the LORD’s heart softened towards Noah, and He said ‘It is not thy fault, o beloved servant; it is Mine, and Ikea’s. Fucking Ikea. Now cover thine eyes.’ And Noah did, and the LORD did create an ark from moonbeams; and the animals went aboard, two by two, and as they did so the LORD made a note to cover Sweden in really harsh winters for their offences in his sight.”

– The Book of Tooltime, 3:15

Read some more

The Latest

The Broken Heavens

The bloodsoaked conclusion to Kameron Hurley’s epic fantasy masterpiece – the Worldbreaker Saga – is unleashed. Join your favs for one final adventure at the end the worlds now.

Support Kameron

If you’ve read and enjoyed my work for free – whether that’s the musings here on the blog, guest posts elsewhere, or through various free fiction sites, it’s now easier than ever to donate to support this work, either with a one-time contribution via PayPal, or via a monthly Patreon contribution:

Scroll to Top