I was in the breakroom this morning dumping Splenda into my coffee, and one my coworkers said, “Ah, another one who takes a little coffee with their sugar.”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “I once went out to coffee with a friend who wanted to try the roast I was using, and when she took a sip, made a face and said, `all I can taste is Splenda!'”

To which the woman replied, quite seriously: “Yes, there was another person who used to work here like that. He’d put four or five of those Splendas in there and I was like, `my God, do you realize the amount of carcinogens you’re putting into your body?”

I did not tell her that those were studies about saccharin (which is found to cause cancer in rats when you feed them a steady diet consisting of nothing but saccharin for years) that she was thinking of, not Splenda. I merely said, “Oh yes. It’s wonderful” and went back to my office.

You know what causes cancer?

Breathing air in Los Angeles.

Coffee!

Tampons!

Drinking out of plastic bottles that have been put in the freezer!

Spinning in circles under the full moon!

I hate to break this to everybody, but eventually, we all die die. We will die of all sorts of things. Most likely, we will die of things we can’t control, like chronic illness, car crashes, and Getting Old.

Call me crazy and unAmerican, but I sincerely doubt that my ultimate demise will be the result of a buildup of “Splenda carcinogens.”

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