I find my ability to be full-up with self-loathing even when my life is full of awesome to be incredibly annoying and certifiably silly. Which just goes to show you that happiness has nothing to do with external stuff. It’s not that you just need a new house, a new car, a new significant other (OK, yes, sometimes that’s the case, but sometimes you’re just full of self-loathing), it’s that what needs changing is so often on the inside. It’s the rotten, poisonous core that needs to be given a shot of antibiotics, right there at the heart of it.
Cause the hate and self-loathing, though fleeting now and merely something to gnash my teeth about on a Monday night, never go away. I have to change something inside. Some key part of how I see the world, see myself, see my place in it.
I’m not sure where that change needs to come in, or even if it does. After all, I get down on myself far less often now than in the past. But still… something inside needs to change. I need to let myself be happy with what I have, what I’ve accomplished. I need to stop focusing on what I don’t have, what I could lose.
Now is all we’ve got. External “fixes” won’t change it. It’s all about me. I’m the one who has to change. To let go.
Other things I discovered today that are silly: Chipotle burritos without sour cream and cheese. I mean, really, what’s the point?